A Plea to Mark Zuckerberg: Asserting Dominance Over Elon Musk

 
A Plea to Mark Zuckerberg: Asserting Dominance Over Elon Musk

A Plea to Mark Zuckerberg: Asserting Dominance Over Elon Musk

A Plea to Mark Zuckerberg: Asserting Dominance Over Elon Musk

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

Allow me to address you by your first name, as we share a connection through our mutual association with your remarkable creation, Facebook. Since 2005, I have frequented the platform, although my usage waned around 2012, coinciding with its descent into an abyss reminiscent of the tormented dimensions portrayed in the movie Event Horizon. Yet, let us not dwell on the past, for our bond is already established, and I consider you a close comrade.

Initially, I harbored doubts about the possibility of witnessing you step into the MMA arena for a bout against Elon Musk, even after his persistent insistence following his challenge last month. His propensity for making empty claims, shamelessly and automatically, like an unrestrained toddler, left me skeptical. Furthermore, his timidity is evident, and it is undeniable that you would overpower him effortlessly.

Despite surrendering a considerable weight disadvantage, you have devoted a year and a half to mastering Brazilian jujitsu, securing victories in various tournaments. Even when faced with defeat, your competence on the mat remains unquestionable. I should not be surprised at your unwavering commitment. You possess the unwavering focus of a Terminator, capable of shutting out all distractions, such as friendship, love, ethics, or even the voices clamoring against the advent of the Metaverse. In essence, you embody a compact, relentless killing machine. Musk, on the other hand, resembles a sack of beans and rarely engages in physical exertion. It would hardly constitute a fair contest.

However, it perplexes me that Musk refuses to relinquish the notion of this fight. He claims to have trained in the age-old martial art of "no-rules streetfighting" under the tutelage of a podcaster. His desire for such a confrontation remains a mystery, given his propensity for falsehoods and an evident lack of intellectual acumen.

A recent New York Times article indicates that you and Musk have been collaborating clandestinely, enlisting the assistance of Dana White to organize a charitable match in Las Vegas. Although I find it hard to believe that the three of you could gather in the same vicinity without a designated imbecile finding sanctuary in a secure location, I eagerly anticipate this confrontation. Musk deserves to experience your wrath, Mark.

He deserved it when he baselessly labeled a genuine hero a pedophile, hiring a private investigator to besmirch the man's character. He deserved it when he unleashed an assortment of shoddy, unaccountable self-driving vehicles onto unsuspecting pedestrians, programmed to disengage autopilot moments before accidents, thereby evading responsibility. He deserved it for duping our nation's most gullible cities into investing in ideas that would be ill-fated even if they were to succeed. He deserved it for being the epitome of human inadequacy.

Above all, he deserves it for transforming Twitter into a grotesque parody of its former self. Merely unbanning the most fervent racists in our nation wasn't sufficient for him; he felt compelled to amplify their voices. Depriving us of the platform's most valuable and entertaining API-dependent accounts, he replaced them with a repugnant blend of crypto swindlers, pornographic bots, and subpar dropshipping scammers. His alteration of verification, once a useful tool for gathering information, now propels our most feeble-minded imbeciles to the pinnacle of any reply section. Now, he has the audacity to place a paywall on our beloved tweets.

To be unequivocal, no reasonable individual believes his stated justification for limiting the number of tweets a user can view per day. Such a measure would be inconceivably self-def

eating on a platform where users constitute the product rather than the customer. It is far more plausible that one of his recent dimwitted whims has disrupted Twitter's code, exacerbated by Musk's proclivity for terminating those capable of rectifying such issues. Alternatively, it is conceivable that he simply neglected to settle his outstanding debts. Regardless of the reason, the situation is deplorable. I refuse to deny my anger regarding this matter.

Returning to the subject at hand—your confrontation with Musk—I implore you, Mark, to employ all means at your disposal to ensure this event materializes before he withdraws. According to the Times:

"Mr. Zuckerberg's friends and advisers have generally supported the match, two people close to him said, though others said a fight would be a distraction and not the best use of his time. One person close to Mr. Musk said that while he hated sports and didn't appear to have the discipline to train regularly, no one could rule anything out with him."
Undoubtedly, you will decimate Musk; there exists no doubt in anyone's mind. However, triumph alone will not suffice. After you have subjected Musk to a sound thrashing and thoroughly humiliated him, I implore you to subject him to a rear naked choke, restricting the flow of blood to his brain. Refrain from releasing your hold, irrespective of the bell tolling, the referee's entreaties, or any other intervening factors. Maintain the choke for several minutes, perhaps even up to 20. As for the consequences, I am no medical expert, and thus, unable to offer a prognosis.

Nevertheless, I am an ardent lover of combat, a citizen prepared to deliver on my promise—I will present you with a crisp, pristine $5 bill upon fulfillment of this request. Rest assured, this is no jest. Unlike certain investors on Twitter, I am a person of integrity. This represents a swift, effortless, and painless opportunity for you to earn five American dollars. If you, Mark Zuckerberg, can conceive of a superior method of procuring funds, I implore you to share it with me.

Moreover, I am prepared to sweeten the deal by offering you a coveted Bluesky invite code.
And finally, Mark, once you have accomplished this feat against Elon Musk, I would like to entertain the notion of a subsequent match—a battle against the UFC Lightweight Champion, Islam Makhachev. However, we can address that prospect at a later time. For now, I shall find contentment in witnessing Musk succumb to a deep, peaceful slumber.

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